Ask Me Anything: We're hosts of the CBC's Chosen Family pod where we talk to artists and creators (usually queer, but not always). In this episode with Kai Cheng Thom, we chat about cancel culture and chosen families. Ask us anything 'til Feb 25.

Thanks for this, was nice to refer back to it.

@fiercefab I was literally talking with @danecardiel the other day about "ideological purity" and how it's the bane of progressive culture. It's something I struggle with too as someone who does advocacy work. How can you all fight the larger forces at play and progress a cause when you're already s...Show More

@fiercefab I always like to think of what I'm doing as harm reduction. It's not the best solution and hopefully not the worst, but this stance keeps a sense of humility in me because all actions are leaky, and seep into places we don't expect. Coming from this place of imperfection and self-reflexiv...Show More

@fiercefab for fostering spaces for healthy dialogue, if you can find a friend that has the different view you are trying to understand. I've found when I believe the other person has good intentions it becomes easier to empathize with a viewpoint I might not have or understand.

@fiercefab that is such a great question. @mm thanks for sharing that Public Intellectual episode, I'm going to take a list. I have to admit that the concept of "ideological purity" and the ways we weaponize our values is something I'm still learning, and trying to understand, even within myself. K...Show More

@trannawintour I totally agree about ideological purity being largely about ego - namely, the ego's desire to attain an impossible standard of ''perfect goodness'' and to impose that standard on everyone else. @fiercefab @mm @florenceyee @danny, all great questions and points too. I was just talkin...Show More

@kaicheng yes! totally agree

@kaicheng Just wanted to leave a note here to say that I loved your words on redefining the "social justice warrior" and what it means to be a "warrior". It was so beautiful that I read your answer aloud to a gathering of organizer friends the other day. Thanks for this lovely comment. I wish you ha...Show More

Omg @mm I'm very excited to read that Walrus article. I have been on the receiving end of a quite few of those coffee invitations and I never know how to deal with them. Frankly, most of the time I just avoid them, don't respond, and pretend I never saw them. I'm always amazed (aka baffled) by how s...Show More

@trannawintour That Walrus article made me feel heard!!! You’ll love it. I’m like you, I just ignore the coffee invites – I mean, I don’t even drink coffee girl! I view it as an act of passive aggressiveness to manipulate my feelings. But like you say, it’s hard to ignore the invites when the ot...Show More

@mm @trannawintour so real about people trying to demand or covertly manipulate forgiveness! I get really upset about this sometimes, largely because if someone with an abusive history is trying to explicitly or implicitly force someone to forgive them, then this really shows that the person hasn't...Show More

@mm thanks for your question! I think humility - the genuine feeling of knowing that I matter, but that the world doesn't revolve around me - helps me choose hope over despair. One book that really informed this for me was bell hooks' All About Love, which is a kind of manifesto for putting love int...Show More

@kaicheng @trannawintour “Manipulate forgiveness” is exactly the right term! Thanks for broadening this to a larger social phenomenon too. In the same line of thinking, I also find it annoying when people say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you feel offended” vs being sorry for their ac...Show More

@thomasleblanc Thanks so much for these lovely words that I will for sure refer back to in the future especially the part where you say “pain is never permanent”. Reminds me of this episode from The Happiness Lab where they talk about how humans are such emotionally resilient beings where we can a...Show More

@trannawintour @mm Setting and ensuring personal boundaries aren’t broken has been a lifelong practice of mine. It’s not easy and it takes constant work. Tranna - I know how challenging this can be. A book called: “Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speakin...Show More

@kaicheng A lot of spiritual teachers say that forgiveness doesn’t actually exist. Rather, it is about “letting go of the wish that something could have been different.” Worded in another way: acceptance of the situation so that you can have inner peace and not be triggered everytime you think of th...Show More

@aliceko omg that book sounds like it was made for me! I'm definitely going to check it out. Thanks for suggesting it! @thomasleblanc I think it's so easy to forget that pain is not permanent.

@trannawintour @kaicheng A thought just popped into my mind about how the "coffee meetings" or similar types of meetings between perpetrator and victim could be positioned as "restorative justice". I've had this suggested to me once. I find it difficult to reconcile the concept of "restorative just...Show More

Hi Florence! Those are great points. I'm also interested in the differing impacts of cancelling within our communities vs. celebrities. When I think of a person like Louis C.K. and his "cancellation," it's like, you can't actually cancel him. He's already made his fortune; he is not vulnerable; and ...Show More

@florenceyee @trannawintour I've witnessed a brutal public cancellation of a community member and not only was it tough for the individual, it was also hard on the community-at-large. On celebrities cancellation, I can't help but think about the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard mess, but yet both of the...Show More

@leoy such a great and important question. I honestly don't know. And as someone who is so fearful of conflict, I feel like it's especially difficult. What also comes to mind is "how many chances do we get to do better?" Is there a limit? Who decides what the limit is?

@trannawintour @leoy love these nuanced thoughts and considerations! Transformative justice is such a great idea in theory and then so messy and complicated in real life. I don't think that there is a formula or "right" answer that will apply in every situation. However, it is my belief that publ...Show More

@leoy this is personally really hard for me too. I would echo what Kai Cheng said about slow escalation only when necessary. Most importantly for me, I have found that when calling out individuals and groups that consider themselves allies, it helps to frame the problematic behaviour as something ...Show More

@kaicheng that is so useful

Hi Alice! Thanks so much for your questions and for listening. I would have told my old self to leave the apartment much sooner than I did. I think sometimes I have this tendency to over value comfort, to the point where what's actually happening is that I just become scared of disruption. In the c...Show More

Alice - your question around having friends as adults, and specifically your experience with those who have children, really resonated with me. I'm almost in my mid-30s now and have never wanted kids of my own. I've been sure of this my entire life and my friends /chosen family have never judged or ...Show More

Hi @aliceko! Thanks for listening. In response to question 2 - I think all of the above would be amazing! In Canada, we already have (somewhat) socialized medical care, so why not mental health care? I believe everyone should have access to free counseling. However, I also think that counseling ...Show More

Alice, Thank you for your thoughtful question. Regarding being an adult with friends: For reference, I'm a non-binary transmasculine person who loves kids, and am in my early 30s. I'm active in several communities, and while most if not all have some sort of queerness to them, they are not all exc...Show More

@aliceko Hi Alice! With regards to your third question: I am still in my early twenties, but soon to leave grad school and trying to find ways of maintaining bonds. I've always been a busy person, so I really enjoy hanging out with friends while doing something that helps us, like cooking togeth...Show More

@trannawintour Thanks :-) Your answer re: your apartment and being so comfortable in what you knew is such a great analogy for life! I witness many people who stay in situations that are CLEARLY not elevating them (eg bad relationships, bad jobs, bad friendships) — but our brains are wired to seek w...Show More

@kaicheng "Can we ever really solve the problem of abuse when we live in a society that is constantly abusing the majority of people?" this is the question that is literally on repeat in my mind every day. And I completely agree with this: "One huge thing that is missing from many psychotherapies a...Show More

@jensungshine love what you wrote!

@jensungshine Wow Jen. I am SO thankful for you sharing such intimate and authentic moments of your life with us. I’ve literally been searching to hear someone else echo these words for the last few years of my life. Essentially, I’ve been searching for validation that it’s OKAY not to have a “fever...Show More

@gavinsomers love what you wrote about food being your love language. Also, totally agree with this and think it's really important: "We can be collectively in it together while also watching our paths go in different directions. I think, if we can come back to a place of love for for the person rat...Show More

@kaicheng I am so in love with all these answers, my god. Kai for Prime Minister please. My mind was blown as I read your first answer. I agree. Traditional talk therapy is not the be all, end all, and often times people reach out when its too late (reactive as you said). YES to education on conse...Show More

@gavinsomers Thanks Gavin! I love your real talk: “adulting means having less time for the things we used to love.” Even more of a reason to spend our time intentionally, with the friends we care about the most, where the friendship hasn’t been negatively impacted through the different directions y...Show More

@florenceyee Thanks Florence! Food, just like Gavin wrote :-) I also like to use food and exercise as outlets to see friends. They are both important values to me and an added plus when other friends find them important too. I think I’m realizing more and more than common interests and common mindse...Show More

@Serena look at this amazing answer

@serena

@wongzhongat thanks for adding those points about the intersectional lens on chosen family, Alan! I've also been interested in complicating the way we use the term chosen family. One of the main issues I've been experiencing is the speed and prevalence of queer friendships being called "chosen fami...Show More

@wongzhongat Yesssss. Thanks for bringing intersectional lens to this convo. What your father did for his friend is also something that has been happening for generations for Chinese diaspora round the world. It warms my heart to hear your father continuing this tradition. Also, with the Chinese Exc...Show More

@mm @wongzhongat YAS. I know that people from my father’s Chinese village have created an association in their British Colombian cities and it creates a bond that others will never understand. I see how important it is to them and while they may not admit it, it’s definitely a form of chosen family....Show More

@kaicheng Just wanted to tag you on thread about @wongzhongat 's baby Edison. Cute story!

@yskevinguang I've had similar questions around watching cancel culture play out online---I think the online curation of people's experiences without the in person connection can perpetuate disconnection and the inflammatory nature that I've often witnessed within call out culture. I think where can...Show More

@gavinsomers that's such an interesting point. I don't think cancel culture as we know it today could exist without the internet and social media. We can communicate information to hundreds, thousands, millions of people so easily and so quickly, and that has made it so easy to cancel people. I thin...Show More

@trannawintour @gavinsomers @yskevinhuang Social media platforms also provide the adrenaline rush and addictiveness with the likes/retweets/impressions that comes with and incentivizes more outrage and call-out culture. This also benefits the platforms too because emotion drives more engagement.

Hi @ellouis! That's such a tough situation. I don't know much you want to act as a mediator between your two chosen family members. Just because their friendship has come to an end, doesn't mean that your individual relationship with each of them as to--hopefully they have not put you in position of...Show More

Chosen family falling out is hard. I would echo @trannawintour about hopefully being able to maintain your individual relationship with both of them, and checking in with them regarding what they need for support. I'd also consider checking in with yourself regarding your own capacity and boundari...Show More

@trannawintour @gavinsomers Thanks for your thoughts!